


Insomnia

by Anne_Autumn



Series: Constructive Pillow Talk [3]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, Codependency, Established Relationship, Guilt, Inner Dialogue, Insomnia, M/M, Steve POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-14 17:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18952402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anne_Autumn/pseuds/Anne_Autumn
Summary: Steve talks to himself while he can't sleep.That's what we call "growth." ;)





	Insomnia

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [bicaptains ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bicaptains/pseuds/bicaptains) for the beta!

Steve had fallen asleep with Bucky curled up at his side. Petting Bucky’s hair as they both drifted off. The tug of exhaustion pulled him down. It was peaceful - an overwhelming darkness that was comforting. His body sinking heavily into the mattress. With his Bucky. Safe and warm.

But now he was awake. He was sure he had slept for at least a few hours and that it must be morning. But no, the sky was dark, quiet, and he still had hours before his morning run. Steve could tell this was shaping up to be a night where he would not return to unconsciousness. He knew he should get up and do something. That a break in sulking and obsessing about not sleeping actually helped him return to his bed after some time and then actually fall asleep. He needed to find a mundane task. Something that could be completed in an hour, that was tangible and manageable.

Of course running always did the best job. It not only distracted his mind but exhausted him further so that he could take a warm shower and fall back into bed easily. But he didn’t get up. He couldn’t get up. He felt so tired even getting up seemed like too much, even if it promised more sleep or momentary distraction. 

He thought about waking Bucky - leaning a little further into their codependency. Bucky would know what to say. How to pull Steve out of his head. But he looked so peaceful laying there next to Steve. Not on top of Steve, but curled up on his side, pushing gently against Steve’s ribs. It was a typical position for him and it kept them both cool and unconfined, but also close. It allowed them to feel each other’s presence. To keep one of their hands entangled with the other’s or even just for Bucky’s forehead to rest against the side of Steve’s shoulder or ribs, as it was now.

Bucky frequently inched closer in as he slept. Unconsciously pushing Steve, wanting to feel Steve as much as possible without laying on top of him. It usually meant Steve ended up hanging off the edge of their bed by the time the sun peeked through their curtains. Steve didn’t mind.

Steve stared down at Bucky curled up in a (not so little) ball. While Steve preferred to sleep on his back, Bucky had been forced to sleep standing up for years in captivity and had enough. It was no wonder he loved seeking Steve’s warmth, curled up like a child, padded in blankets.

Bucky was beautiful as he slept, his chest rising steadily. Steve liked needing him and he liked being needed. But he also knew one of the best ways to love Bucky was to be able to get through nights like these without him. 

Of course Steve had pushed Bucky away too much before the serum. And Steve had been able to sleep and function in the years before they had found each other again. He knew he could do it, that it was possible, but Steve had been like the walking, work-obsessed dead for those years without Bucky. Despite brief cracks of life pushing through when he visited Peggy or talked with Natasha. He didn’t want to live without Bucky ever again, and yet he knew that he had to do a better job of being prepared for Bucky to not be there. But this also terrified him. Would it mean that he would love Bucky less?

Their passion for one another was insatiable. Its intensity should not have been sustainable. But they always had to suppress their passion for each other. They could never touch in public like they wanted to, could never be completely honest with their affections. Was this why they burned so hot when they were able to be alone? Was that why they had a desperate need for each other?

Objectively, now, in the 21st century and free from Hydra, Bucky needed Steve more than he needed Bucky. But it didn’t always feel that way. The fear and confusion Steve felt seeing Bucky on the street in DC had also felt like a life raft that Steve pulled himself up on. 

Every moment truly could be Steve’s last, so why shouldn’t he spend each one lost in Bucky? 

“That’s not healthy, Steve,” just about everyone in the world would say to him. 

He doesn’t care. He’s never had particularly good oversight of his own body and health because...

…because... 

…because, he’s always had Bucky. And his mother before that. Bucky picked him up. Bucky yelled at him to take his meds or get back in bed. Bucky watched his six. And now Steve’s got even more help, too. Nat. Sam. 

But it’s Bucky at the end of it all (at the end of the line). Steve is the burden that Bucky will have to carry.

That’s what does it. Steve’s next project is himself. No head bashing from Bucky required. 

The desire to plan _now_ \- to make appointments and talk to Sam - chips away the momentary calmness of making the decision. 

Steve closes his eyes and softly chuckles at his own predictability. He sighs deeply, opening his eyes to look again at Bucky. Resigned to alternating his gaze between his best guy and the Morisot print hanging next to their bed until it really is time to get up.

As he looks down to Bucky, he sees a set of eyes gazing back at him. Steve chuckles again, understanding how foolish it was that he try to hide anything from Bucky. 

Even if he can get to a point where he doesn’t “need” Bucky quite so much, he suspects he will never be able to hide from Bucky. 

And that sounds pretty good to Steve.


End file.
